Cállate
You need to start a career. You don’t work enough, get a real job. When are you going to make something of yourself? You’re too talented to be wasting your life in Spain. Calm down, you’re only twenty two. Stop worrying, enjoy your life. Once you start working, you’ll never stop. Don’t you want stability? Don’t settle down too early. Get a boyfriend. How will you ever have a real relationship? Focus on yourself, don’t date. Did you move to Spain just to meet boys? You’re never moving back to the US. You’re going to stay in Spain forever.
Please, for the love of God, shut the hell up.
The last six months, everyone has had an opinion on my life. My students, my coworkers, my friends back home, my friends in Spain, strangers at bars, Uber drivers, my veterinarian. And of course, the all knowing family members. Up until college graduation, I was on the same path as everyone else. No one had much of an opinion because in college you’re “on the right track”. But now that the possibilities are endless, everybody wants to weigh in.
People mistake my anxiety around the future for me asking for advice. And I like to think it comes from a good place - they’re wanting to help. But I’m not asking. Last summer I had a client who worked as a neurosurgeon tell me that she used to be a raft guide. At the end of the trip she pulled me aside and said I just want you to know that you can do so much more than seasonal work. You can make more out of yourself. Not only is that incredibly demeaning to all seasonal workers, but it doesn’t even make sense. What does “more” mean? More financial success? More personal growth? More happiness? When people offer this unsolicited advice, it’s the blind leading the blind. Because they have no idea what’s best for me. And while I’m blindly fumbling through life, I can guarantee no one else has it figured out. Why pretend?
Me when I could be doing “more”
When I was first in college, I would always ask for my parents' opinions. I needed the validation that I was making good choices. And then, at nineteen, I decided to ignore everyone and get Cinder, completely changing my life for the better. So I started telling everyone that they should get a dog. Until a friend of mine adopted a dog, and then proceeded to keep said dog locked in a kennel for fourteen hours a day. Just because getting a dog worked for me, doesn’t mean I had any idea how a dog would fit into someone else's life.
Advice is someone speaking from their own experiences, on what would be / has been best for them. My roommate in the fall was miserable in Spain, and all of us told her to stay. Stick it out, it will get better. She ultimately decided to leave, and is now happily living in Seattle. Why did I think I knew more about what she needed than her?
Last month was contract renewal season. The decision to stay another year in Spain, or to go back to the US and “get a real job” was finally upon us. This wasn’t a topic I wanted anyone else’s input on. I’ve been confident from the start that this would be more than a one year endeavor. And while I’ve had moments that have swayed me a bit, Spain fits into what I want in this next year. My family thinks I’m procrastinating on “starting life”. My friends that are going back are searching for purpose. But being here has introduced me to a culture where real life, and purpose, is not derived from the workforce. Instead, the day to day is focused on enjoyment, and happiness. I still have dreams of a career. I still feel a pull in a certain direction, that is not teaching. But I’m twenty two. And while I often feel that the screws are being put to me to hurry up and join the workforce, I won’t be rushed.
The flip side of that is when I’m told I’m crazy for wanting a career. Career is such an American word. Slow down and enjoy life. You’re too young to be thinking about this. But having goals is good for me. I want to strive for something more than part time teaching, because I have found purpose in work previously, and I want that again. But again, at my own pace.
Me and Cinder when we stay in our own lane :)
It’s hard to accept that we’re all on our own timelines, with our own goals. And I remind myself of this daily. When high school classmates are getting engaged, or college friends are moving into lofty New York apartments. But when I’m able to block out all the white noise, I find myself incredibly confident in my decisions. My moments of doubt are when my roommate tells me to stop planning for the future, or my family asks me when I’m going to get serious about having a future. Somehow I’m simultaneously too fast and too slow. All I can do is stay in my own lane, and take it at my own pace.
So I’m not advising, I’m insisting - enough opinions. Enough “advice”, and enough “guidance”. I promise, those of us in our twenties will ask when we want it, we’ll tell you when we need help. But in the meantime, keep it to yourself. Write it in your journal, or yell it into the void. I will forever be marching to the beat of my own drum, so please, stop trying to influence the direction.